New Rule…

My family life is a bit complicated and if it was up to me (which I know on almost all levels it really is) I’d cut ties with the majority of people because they are toxic. The issue being (and why it isn’t completely up to me) is that other people I love dearly stay in contact with these people and it is just easier for me to not burn every bridge like I often think about…

I was abused at a very young age for a long period of time (over a year). As a result I suffer with/from PTSD. The older I get the worse the night terrors seem to be…or maybe they are back on the level that they were when it had all first happened. However, it has taken me a long time to understand what it is I’ve been living with. I knew I had PTSD because my mother has boundary issues and has spent the majority of my life telling everyone and anyone what happened to me. Not as an attempt for others to be sensitive to my needs/issues, but as an excuse for her failures. She has used my abuse as if it was her own. So people can tell her how strong, how sad, how tragic it must be for her. Sadly her mental health is complicated. She is an addict (which I’ve only recently come to understand) and she is bi-polar. These are real issues that I would be (more) sensitive to, but she is destructive and often times toxic. I’ve not been able to process my own issues because I’ve been taking care of her for so long. I don’t think that I will ever get the closure I need from her directly due to the complex nature of her health (which I choose not to go into further at this time).

Her brother is mentally handy-cap and it was his ‘friend’ who hurt me. The other night he broke down and cried telling me how sorry he was for what happened to me. It was NEVER my uncle’s fault…he wasn’t there. The man used him so he could hurt me. But the conversation brought up something I don’t think I’ve ever fully dealt with.

I’m sick of my family using MY ABUSE as their own. NO ONE is allowed to claim that what happened to me has impacted their life in a more meaningful way which almost all of them have. I understand these types of things impact people differently, but they are being selfish and narcissistic….